Do black gays want to marry?

Southern Voice - September 15, 2006
By KHEVEN LEE LAGRONE
http://www.southernvoice.com/2006/9-15/view/columns/lagrone.cfm

White gay leaders set 'marriage' as the priority civil right even though few black gay men really want it.

FOLLOWING THE controversy over gay marriage in the mainstream media, or even in the gay press, you might assume the gay community is solidly behind the movement for same-sex marriage rights.

You might also assume the gay community generally is white or a colorblind "rainbow."Both of these assumptions would be incorrect.

Of course, some black gay men support the movement for same-sex marriage — even if they are no more politically involved than simply agreeing that it is a civil rights issue and that people should have the right to love and commit to whomever they chose.

But for most black gay men I have spoken with, "gay marriage" is only a starting point to other concerns.

Some of these men argue the gay marriage agenda is just modeling same-gender relationships after heterosexual ones. They believe that gays should be working on a model for same-gender relationships.

Why should heterosexual relationships be a "template" for same-gender relationships? It's like meeting a masculine, muscular long-term male couple and asking them, "Who plays the man, and who plays the woman?" The answers are likely to be, "We're both men" and, "We're not playing anything."

Perhaps the question should be phrased, "Since power is conventionally associated with masculinity and muscles, how do you negotiate power in your relationship?"

WOULD IT NOT be preferable to call the same-gender commitments "civil unions" instead of "gay marriage?" The phrase "civil union" seems more specific to same-gender commitments.

The phrase "gay marriage" sounds like a parody of a marriage. A critic might argue that "gay wedding" is almost as kitschy or campy as "doggy wedding."

Men or women attending a "gay wedding" may see nothing ridiculous in it; likewise, people who have funerals for their cats and bury them in pet funerals may see nothing ridiculous in that. "Civil union" definitely sounds more dignified.

Few of the black men I meet are in relationships where they would even consider marriage or a civil union; hence, our conversations shift to, "Why aren't more black men bonding in long-term relationships?"

The answer is not because they don't want to. Most black gay men I have met say they want such a long-term bond. Many are actively searching.

WHAT OBSTACLES DO black gay men face in finding long-term relationships? Is it testosterone that makes men clash?

Does traditional male upbringing train us to be the head of our households, so that two men clash when they try to have a household together?

Does internalized homophobia cause men to disrespect and devalue their relationships and lovers? Does internalized racism?

During our teen years, heterosexual boys generally date several different girls and learn through trial-and-error our relationship styles. Few same-gender-loving people have such opportunities. Perhaps the paucity of same-gender dating opportunities doing those formative years impacts same-gender-loving people when they look for a relationship in their adult lives.

We should ask if "gay marriage" is really the most important issue in the struggle for equality. And who gets to make that decision?

The issue of HIV/AIDS is another example of different priorities for black gay people and white gay people. One San Francisco white gay newspaper trumpeted the progress in the local fight against HIV/AIDS.

Are young black gay men within this paper's community? The HIV/AIDS infection rate among the Bay Area's black gay males is alarming.

Here in Oakland, I've met HIV-positive youth. And at Atlanta's Black Pride, a 19-year old nonchalantly told me disturbing stories about HIV/AIDS and unsafe sex among his peers — including about how a 16-year old was infected the first time he had sex.

These were the issues I discussed at Black Gay Pride events in Los Angeles, Atlanta and Oakland. Yet such issues are overshadowed in the national media. There, white gays tell the world their community is diverse or "rainbow." Meanwhile, white gays have been setting the national "gay" agenda.